Although I am unable to show all of them at this time, I felt like I needed to address the inevitable.
The one still covered in tape is my most recent one. As I painfully got up this morning, I was still excited because it is post day OP 3 and that meant I could take the ace bandage off and take a shower. As I took the ace bandage off I already knew that there would be another incision waiting to be healed.
I cried thinking about it because I am tired. Although some may call it vanity that is keeping me from being happy, I call it painful reminders. The scars are still a painful reminder of what we survived. It’s a reminder that I needed to have 6 surgeries to be fixed just right in order to “pain free”. There is no time limit on how long it will take me to be ok with all of this. I refuse to say that I will be ok next week or in a few months. I still have some healing to do along with what I already suffer from. You know what? It. Is. Ok. My way of coping with all of this will never be the same way someone else will cope with it. It does not mean that I am weak. It also doesn’t mean that something is wrong with me. In fact, I am still here talking about it. I am still human. I am still strong enough and will continue to fight through this.
As my dear friends reminded me this morning, “the scars are a reminder of what is yet to come and that our story isn’t over yet.”
“Every ache that I have pushed through means I have made it even further.”
For me, it is sharing my story. It is crying about it. It is recovering at home and be surrounded by my dogs. It’s also getting daily FaceTime calls from my college kid or having conversations about school with my high school sophomore. Sometimes recovery isn’t the all the same. I am trying to do life. I am trying to push through, but it is freaking hard.
Although the scars will be here forever, I will never stop fighting to cope with my mental and physical health. I am allowed to cry and I will.
I hate every minute of the excruciating pain that I go through every time I stand up.
I will make it. I’ve got this. For now, I will try and embrace the pain and the scars that come with them.