It’s ok to not be ok.
Today was one of those days. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I literally stayed in it way past noon. People tried to get me up but I wasn’t having it. So many things were racing in my mind. I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn’t come out. I felt paralyzed. The more I thought about it the more I remembered that I hadn’t taken my pills for depression in about 3 weeks. I have been off of my routine ever since I came back from the hospital. I have been more focused on how much pain I was in or the fact that I was just pissed that I was still using a walker and sometimes the wheelchair. It could be worse but it feels like my world has been turned up side down. I just didn’t feel like me anymore. My days are planned around when the nurse or the physical therapist is coming. Or when I can get a ride to go anywhere since I still can’t drive. Yes. I am being emotional. I didn’t say it was right but it’s just my life right now.
A friend mentioned going to the gym. The thought had crossed my mind but in my mind I was trying to figure out why I should go if I can’t even lift more than 5 pound weights. That is irritating to me since I was able to lift 90 lbs a year ago. I get pissed and give up at times.
But he’s right. 5lbs is 5lbs. Just go and do it. So, I will..Because there are Soldiers out there who have lost limbs and never give up. I’m just being pathetic.
But today. I had my day. I just needed to get up when I was ready. I needed to sleep it off and get back up. I won’t say it won’t happen again..because it most definitely will. It’s ok to not be ok. We all handle our battles in a different way. Sometimes it’s seeing someone’s post or talking to a friend who gets you back to reality. We will have our moments and it’s ok. Thank you to those who continue to be there and help me through them. You help me to still be here.